| On the other side, we have the true believers. |
| We got the Baptists,
|
| the Methodists, Presbyterians. |
| The Episcopalians are here, pass the hat!
|
| We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators, the Big Boss Line from
|
| Madison Town! |
| The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy, give 'em room,
|
| get out of the way! |
| We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta.
|
| Have them all arranged
|
| Scientists, are you ready? |
| First question: dark matter. |
| Oh, dark matter.
|
| Give me someone knows somethin' about space
|
| (The Scientists send a representative.)
|
| Nice space music, Georgie. |
| All right, what is it? |
| Where is it? |
| Can we get some?
|
| Stand up, sir, would you? |
| You are standing, forgive me. |
| Dark matter, go ahead
|
| Dark matter is out in space
|
| It’s seventy-five percent of everything—
|
| Just a moment, sir. |
| Do yourself a favor, use our music. |
| People like it,
|
| and your music’s making people sick! |
| All right. |
| It’s a free country, go ahead.
|
| Dark matter, what is it?
|
| We don’t know what it is, but we think it’s everywhere
|
| I’d like to take a look at it. |
| Can we get some down here?
|
| Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
|
| Of course not!
|
| Let me get this straight: you don’t know what it is, you don’t know where it is,
|
| and we can’t get any? |
| Put that to the one side. |
| Let’s put the Lord, faith,
|
| eternity and whatever on the other side! |
| Show of hands?
|
| I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
|
| I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
|
| Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
|
| I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
|
| All right, one-nothing! |
| Next one’s gonna be a hard one. |
| It’s about the theory
|
| of evolution, and it’s about animals, also. |
| So, give me someone knows somethin'
|
| about evolution, and animals. |
| Who you got?
|
| (Scientists send a representative.)
|
| Wow, you’re a beautiful woman, aren’t you? |
| Doesn’t matter, of course,
|
| but if this science thing doesn’t work out for you— oh, don’t boo me,
|
| don’t boo me! |
| I’m just kiddin' you, you know that. |
| Here’s my question:
|
| explain me the giraffe. |
| Go ahead--
|
| Elaborate?
|
| With pleasure, miss. |
| The giraffe, to survive, must eat leaves high up on the
|
| Yabba Yabba tree. |
| That’s true, isn’t it?
|
| Of course it is. |
| Everyone knows that!
|
| But Mr. Darwin’s giraffe, the halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck,
|
| could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba.
|
| Therefore, he could not have survived. |
| It’s only common sense. |
| Unfortunately
|
| for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn’t have any common sense! |
| Evolution is a theory,
|
| and we have just now, tonight, disproved it. |
| Show of hands?
|
| I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
|
| I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus, I’ll take Jesus every time!
|
| Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will!
|
| I’ll take Jesus every time!
|
| (Applause from the gathered crowd.)
|
| All right, two-nothing! |
| Next question: global warming. |
| Is it, and if so,
|
| so what— One of the true believers seeks to be recognized. |
| Hand him a mic,
|
| Charles. |
| Thank you
|
| (The True Believer taps the microphone.)
|
| Sir, do you know what you are? |
| You’re an idiot. |
| You’re a strawman,
|
| a fabrication! |
| You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr.
|
| Newman, self-described atheist and commonist, creates characters, like you,
|
| as objects of ridicule! |
| He doesn’t believe anything he has you say,
|
| nor does he want us to believe anything you say. |
| Makes it easy for him to
|
| knock you down, hence, a strawman. |
| I, myself, believe in Jesus. |
| I believe in
|
| evolution, also. |
| I believe in global warming, and in life everlasting.
|
| No one can knock me down
|
| Oh, we can knock you down, Mister! |
| We can knock your commonist friend down, too!
|
| Commonist… You call me an idiot! |
| We’ve been knocking people like Mr.
|
| Newman down for years and years! |
| Like this: page 35, Georgie! |
| Mrs.
|
| Dorothy, page 35…
|
| I know someone is watching me
|
| Everywhere I go
|
| Someone sees everything I see
|
| Knows everything I know
|
| When I’m in trouble, don’t have a friend
|
| There’s still somebody on whom I can depend
|
| Someone who’ll be there 'till the very end
|
| Someone is watching me!
|
| Someone is watching me!
|
| Someone is watching me!
|
| For so long, I was too blind to see
|
| Someone is watching
|
| Someone is watching
|
| Someone is watching me!
|
| Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen. |
| Fifteen, twenty, twenty-five minutes,
|
| depending on how the merchandise is moving. |
| We’ll be right back!
|
| (Applause.) |